Caramel truffle coffee!

That's right.  I'm having my coffee at 2:30PM instead of 7:30AM.

And while we're at it, may I just say that it is quite yummy; just what I needed on this brisk afternoon.  I feel like I need a cup of coffee with a friend right now, so I'm having a cup of coffee with my blog instead.  It may actually turn out better that way, anyway, because I'm not exactly sure what's going to end up in this post, but I know I need a little processing time. 

So, what shall we talk about?  Everybody's done their Christmas and New Year's posts already and I don't really feel the need to delve into all of that.  We had a great time with my family, relatively uneventful travel, came home to a messy house, and are unpacked but not all cleaned up yet.   (What can I say, it's hard to contain the enthusiasm - or mess - of a two-year-old boy who can't decide what new toys to play with and is constantly moving on to the next thing, and then back to the previous thing.  It's precious to watch, though. )

Maybe I want to talk about the adoption a little bit?  We got a call on Thursday afternoon (we were in the car on the way home) from Rebekah, our social worker, who let us know that there was a birth mom interested in getting some more pictures and information from us.  Our profile had already been shown to this birth mom and she wanted more information.  Great, right?  Eh...not really.

When you're getting your profile ready, you have to go through this whole huge checklist of things you're okay with, things you'll consider, and things you're not okay with.  For us, we said we were open to or would at least consider almost everything on the gigantic list, but drugs during the prenatal period was one thing we said no to.  A few weeks ago, we got a call about a baby boy that was born on December 9th ( I think I mentioned that).  His birth mom had smoked some marijuana during pregnancy, but he was born healthy, at a good weight, and the doctors didn't have any specific concerns.  We contacted some dear friends of ours, who both happen to be doctors (love you, Alli and Ed!), and they did a little research for us, but couldn't come up with anything that is definitively linked to prenatal marijuana use, and knowing that the baby had been discharged and the doctors didn't seem to have any concerns about him, we felt okay to put our "names in the hat" for that baby boy, even though he had had been exposed to drugs prenatally.   He, by the way, is being matched with another family, I think.  That was another part of that phone call on Thursday.

This other baby, though, was exposed to cocaine.  I guess because we had said we were okay with the baby boy we'd heard about in December, our social worker thought we'd be okay with considering situations that included prenatal drug use.  It probably would have been good for us to clarify at that point that we were making an exception to our profile for this case, but that we weren't okay with changing our profile permanently.  Either way, they showed it to this birth mom  - she's been receiving prenatal care and been clean since September and the doctors seem to think the baby looks okay thus far - and she wanted some more information on us.  So, our social worker called to ask us if we'd be interested in giving more information.

I didn't feel any peace about that, so we said no.  And I'm not frustrated about that, or frustrated about knowing that we're now continuing the wait.  What I am frustrated about is that I just feel like this is such a roller coaster that doesn't really seem to have an end in sight!  I have these daydreams about what it will be like to finally get a call that isn't asking us to think or pray about anything, but just that a birth mom wants to meet us, and, after that, that we're matched with a healthy baby.  I know it will happen some day, but I really didn't think we'd be six months into the waiting game without any picture of what the future would hold.  If you had told me that six months ago, I wouldn't have believed you...nor would I have believed you if you told me that, despite that being the case, that I'd still be functional.

I'm so ready to bring this baby home.  My loving husband graciously indulged me in a little "Name Game" yesterday and we think we've settled on the names that we will use for the baby, at least, what we'd like, though we do want to involve the birth parents in the naming process, too.

While we were at my parents' house, my mom organized a tea time for herself, my Gram, my sisters, and me.  Three generations of women - no boys, no kids - talking about what's really going on in our lives.  It was, perhaps, the highlight of my year.  It was a soothing balm to my soul, and I'll cherish those memories forever.  It was especially good for me to be able to talk about the adoption with these women so dear to me.  One thing I was telling them was that it's been hard for me to really remain excited about the idea of bringing the baby home, simply because of the exhausting nature of the waiting...and little information.  (I think, perhaps, you military wives can relate a little when you know your husband is coming home...sometime soon...but you don't know when and it keeps getting pushed back little by little.  It doesn't take away how desperately you want him to come home, but it sure makes being happily excited harder.)  To have my family identify with that and affirm me in that - I think I've started to feel a little guilty that I'm not feeling so excited right now, and that I'm more worn out by the process - was really, really good for me.  It's also good for me to be able just to say, "I really, really, really want to bring home our baby, but I'm worn out from the waiting right now. "  I don't think I've been able to identify that to myself at this point, and to "name it and claim it" is sort of freeing.  It doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad person.  It just makes me human and frail and weary and in need of a Savior, a Comforter, an Encourager, a Lifter-of-my-head.  Good thing I've got all of that.  What would I do without Jesus?

While we were at my parents' house, my sister and I - with a few other members of the family for various durations - spent a good hour or two at the piano with my sweet Gram.  She played and we sang.  Hymn after hymn; I almost couldn't sing anymore by the end.  I chose this one, at one point, and it's been sticking with me since then...

Nearer, still nearer, close to Thy heart,

Draw me, my Savior—so precious Thou art!

Fold me, oh, fold me close to Thy breast.

Shelter me safe in that Haven of Rest;

Shelter me safe in that Haven of Rest.

Nearer, still nearer, nothing I bring,
Naught as an offering to Jesus, my King;
Only my sinful, now contrite heart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.

Nearer, still nearer, Lord, to be Thine!
Sin, with its follies, I gladly resign,
All of its pleasures, pomp and its pride,
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.

Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last.
Till safe in glory my anchor is cast;
Through endless ages ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee;
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee!
(#567 in the Celebration Hymnal
Lyrics and Music by Leila Naylor Morris)