A new day

What a difference a day makes.  I'm certainly not the only one who has ever felt that way.  This week has been a trying one for me for many reasons.  Yesterday I got a email from a friend I love and respect who essentially told me, as lovingly as possible, to snap out of it and trust God more with the adoption.  I wanted to address it on the blog, because I feel that if she perceived things a certain way, others most certainly did, too.  So, I kind of feel like I've got "some 'splainin' to do."

First, much of what she said is true.  My faith in God and in His care for our family through this process hasn't wavered, but it is occasionally a moment by moment struggle to remind myself of the truth.  Perhaps it is in those times that I find myself blogging, because it helps me to express my worry or frustration or fear.  Written out, it's concrete.  I have to own it.   And that spurs me on to give it to God and continue trusting Him.  It is a hard thing to go through this process, but certainly no harder than much of what other friends of mine have had to go through with infertility and losing children.  I know that, at the end of this process - which WILL end - that we will have a baby in our family and I trust God's timing in that.  I don't know how to say it more clearly than that.  I also must admit that feeling the certainty of that doesn't always completely get rid of the other emotions that can cloud my mind.  I refuse to let myself "stay in that place," but I can't deny it is where I have been.

The other part of the equation is that there have been lots of other things going on in my life besides the adoption that have been physically and emotionally draining.  I haven't really blogged about any of them, and those things - family things, friend things, church things, parenting things, marriage things - are what I was referring to yesterday when I said I didn't want to sound like I was complaining all of the time.  Honestly, I also don't want to offend anyone.  I know several bloggers who say, "This is MY blog, so I'm going to blog about MY emotions, no matter what names I name or who I hurt."  I just can't take that approach.  The people involved in these situations with me are people I love and respect, as well, and despite the fact that I'm going through something with them that might be "blog-worthy" I don't want to use those issues as blog material at this time.  Many of them are too "present" to be blogged about with any integrity.  So, I'm choosing to keep my fingers quiet on those topics.

Essentially, what I mean to say with this post is that, adoption aside, our life is really busy and complicated right now.  But I'm happy to be in the position I'm in, because I've been working on and reading more about prayer lately and I've been asking God to break down a few things in me.  It seems He is answering those prayers and I am thankful for it.  I haven't lost hope, I haven't given up, and I don't feel depressed or listless or wandering.  I said yesterday that I'm plodding along, but in my mind, it was said as a positive thing.  I'm taking one step at a time with Jesus holding my hand all the way.  I'm not running the race right now, to be sure, but I am also not moping on the sidelines, feeling that things are impossible.  For goodness sake, I just finished reading the WHOLE BIBLE in 90 DAYS!  (I know I didn't get a chance to mention it before, but on Saturday, October 2nd, I finished the 90 Day Bible reading challenge! On time! Praise the LORD!)  I know that God is at work in my life!  I have seen His provision in very real ways lately.  I'm glad for the chance to express all of that, too.  I don't want my record of our adoption process, or our life in general, to be a more negative record than it should be.  God is good.  All the time. 

ADDENDUM:  I forgot to say that when Sweets read the email from my friend, he said, "Well, that's tough.  But I wish I had even one friend who would do that for me."  I totally agreed that she is an amazing friend to say the hard thing in love.  Thanks, H.  I love you!

Also, I forgot to put a link to our craft sale post.  You know I promised I'd link it to every post between now and then!