Waiting well

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. I've been in a pretty hopeless place for a little while and I needed something to change. I thought what needed to change was my circumstances, but God is working in my heart and showing me that my heart is what needs to change. See, I've been struggling lately with the fact that God's timing isn't my timing. I could say that I theoretically wanted what God has for us, but practically speaking, I was just as nervous, anxious, frustrated, angry, and confused as anyone who didn't trust in God would be. I grew up with siblings all three years apart. I wanted our kids to be three years apart (approximately). Lucas turns three in a few weeks. No baby on the horizon has been slowly growing more and more nerve wracking for me. On Saturday (was it Friday? I can't remember.) I finally came to the point as I was talking to Daniel (through sobs) that THIS IS NOT HOW MY PLAN IS SUPPOSED TO GO.

Oh, boy. When I heard myself say that, I realized that I was really NOT trusting God at all. If I want His best for me, if I truly believe that we're waiting for the RIGHT child, than EVERYTHING about that child - when, how, where - EVERYTHING will be part of God's plan for us. It's not possible that we will get the right child at the wrong time. As Daniel has always said, "The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing."  I believe he's right about that.  And if he is, than even the right child at the wrong time would be the wrong child.  God knows that.  He's got it all under control.  So, my new mission, with renewed encouragement is to wait well. So what does that look like practically? For me it means simple things like praying constantly, and surrendering consistently. It means focusing on the job at hand - caring for my husband and son, making the next meal, doing the next load of laundry or dishes, doing the next work job diligently, and engaging joyfully with the family I have in front of me. It means not wishing today away.

Part of where I got some encouragement about this is from a new friend, who is also a waiting adoptive parent (maybe not waiting much longer!), who left a link to another blog post on my facebook page. The post was written by a woman who has successfully adopted two boys from Africa.  She'd been waiting for a long time to bring them home, and her post talked about now her questions were answered about "how" and "when" and what she thought back to now was how satisfied she was with the way she waited for her boys.

 That was both encouraging and convicting at the same time.  If I'm truly trusting in God, my wait SHOULD look different than someone who doesn't have any faith.  In the same way that we're called to "wait well" for Heaven, I want to "wait well" for our baby.  I don't want to wander through this period of my life aimlessly, without purpose, just being consumed by the waiting.  I want to be engaged.  I want to be loving.  I want to be an encouragement to others.  I want to wait well.

One more quick thing - I got a comment from dutchgirl on my last post.  I would just like to say that I really appreciated that comment (I always appreciate EVERY comment and am so thankful for all your encouragement) and would like to say that I DO LOVE the fact that Bethany as an organization seems to be so committed to truly helping each expectant mother choose the right thing for them.  I don't want to have any part of an adoption in which the birth mother is anything but certain that this is what is best for her, her child, and us.  I want that to be crystal clear.  But I do believe that somewhere out there, at some point, there will be a woman who will love her child dearly while also understanding that the life she might be able to provide for that child is not the life she would want for him/her.  When that happens we will be thrilled to welcome that child to our family.