Peace

Lately, I've been craving some peace.  I'm not sure if it's because I have a happy,  chattering, song-composing two year old boy, or if it's because I feel like my life won't ever be even a little bit settled.  Probably some of both.  This morning, I'm amazed to say that the house is quiet - Lucas is still asleep (at almost 8:00, this is unheard of, particularly lately when pre-dawn wake-ups have been rampant and probably a huge reason why I've been feeling so flustered and exhausted) and Daniel's already gone.  The morning sun is shining in the windows, the coffee is brewing, and I am actually blogging.  I think of things to blog about every day, but I just can't seem to find the time.  And now I'm thrilled to take the opportunity to blog about a few things.  (FULL DISCLOSURE:  As I typed that last sentence, Lucas got up.  So, now it's 20 minutes later and we've obtained the necessary hugs and kisses, apple juice, toast with cheese, coffee for me, and we're happily under the quilt on the couch and enjoying a morning with Curious George.  This blog post will be finished if it's the last thing I do this morning!  Hey, not quite the morning I started out with, but we'll take it!)

So many of my best friends (not to mention friends and acquaintances)  are pregnant and while I'm not angry with any of them, or even angry with God about it, it's continuing to be a source of frustration for me to see so many of them, all knowing due dates, and many knowing genders.  It's hard to keep on waiting contentedly when we still don't have any idea of how long we'll keep waiting...or to be able to specifically plan for a specific child, even regardless of gender.  This week marks 8 months of being approved for the adoption without a match.  I...phew...I'm, frankly, getting exhausted simply from the waiting.  It's hard to verbalize quite right, because I'm still completely confident that the right baby for our family will come to our family and it will happen at just the right time.  But the constant wondering about who that child will be and when he/she will come to our family...added to the never ending stress of the officer audition...it's just overwhelming. 

Last night at small group we were discussing the parable of the persistent widow (in Luke 18) and, essentially, how she had to wait and be persistent for justice.  The first question we were asked was "what have you had to wait for (or continue to wait for) that is worth the wait?"  Um, really?  You mean besides for my husband to have the opportunity to try (for the third time) for the only job he feels particularly called to do at this point?  Or the child that we continue to wait for?  It's always good to have conversations that are directly applicable to life, but we talk about waiting all the time.  And after a not-quite-so-encouraging Bible study yesterday morning, to have another reminder of how acutely I'm not in control, how weak and weary I'm feeling was, again, not-quite-so-uplifting. 

I'm rambling at this point, and I'm not sure where this is all going.  Maybe this passage from 2 Corinthians 4 is good at describing how I'm feeling:

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”^[a] 

made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the 

knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.   

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay 

to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 

⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed.