Life rolls on

While we continue to wait for any news on the adoption front, the rest of life continues to move on.  I don't think I mentioned it much here, but in late October, I started the Bible in 90 Days reading plan again and this past Saturday morning, I finished.  89 days.  If you don't remember, I did the plan once before.  Last time, it was a huge milestone for me - to persevere and finish something of that magnitude was a clear sign to me that I was not (am not) the undisciplined child I used to be.  I felt proud and pleased that I could do something that I set my mind to.  That was also right around the time that I ran my first race.  That was, obviously, a very defining time in my adult life.  To watch myself growing and changing and maturing was a big boost to my self-confidence.  And, I was just amazed at how transformational it was to read the Bible in that way.  It was almost like reading a novel.  A really, really long novel.  The first time I read the Bible that way, I was struck by how the Bible is not actually just a series of stories about people, but it is a fluid, beautiful account of God and His work through humanity and how He intervened to redeem His creation, beginning three chapters in.

This time was different, though.  This time was an exercise in faith.  This time was an exercise in hope.  This time, reading about all of the discipline God's people had to go through was difficult, as I feel so deeply a desire for God to move and step in and rescue me from the disciplining time I feel we're going through right now.  (NOTE:  I am not saying that we're being punished.  I don't believe God is vindictive.  Do not read that in these words, because that's not what they say.  If you check out Hebrews chapter 12, though, it talks about viewing hardship as discipline from a Father who loves us.  We all need to be disciplined and taught how to follow Him better.  Do you know any children who don't inherently need discipline from their earthly parents?  Of course not.  The same is true for all of us.  We all need to be taught the ways in which to walk.)  I had to really slog my way through much of the minor prophets - particularly Ezekiel - because it was so painful to continue to read so much about how God would send his judgement on the ones who refused his initial discipline and correction.  Spiritually, right now, I need rescue not judgement, so that was rough.  The Psalms, however, were a balm to my soul.  I flew through those.  I probably could have read the whole book in one day, but I wanted them to take as long as they were supposed to (maybe three or four days?) just because I didn't want to stop reading them.  I may go back to them for a while now.  The New Testament Epistles (in case you don't know that word, the books of Romans through Jude were all letters, epistle - Greek for letter)  were particularly encouraging, too.  All of those books encourage the early churches through the difficulties they endured for the sake of the cross.  In some ways, I felt encouraged to go through our present difficulties by the words used to encourage them.  But, really, I know that our "difficulties" are only emotional and spiritual.  We aren't being persecuted, we aren't being tortured, we aren't without comfort, and we aren't without provision.  God continues to provide for us, not least in the form of our sweet Lucas, and He does so graciously, even as we wait for Baby 2 to come home.

Even so, the other reason finishing the Bible this time around was difficult is because we'd already passed Lucas' 3rd birthday when I started, we'd been waiting 16 months for word about Baby 2, and we had hope that things were picking up at Bethany's office and that we'd be matched soon.  I prayed, as I began, that God would give me the grace and the perseverance to finish the Bible in 90 days once more.  And that we'd at least have our match, if not our baby, by the time I finished.  Last week, we had word that I profile was being shown.  And then we got word that it was shown, the the birthmom wanted to meet another family.  That news came a few short days before I was slated to finish.  It was a hard blow.  Friday coming and going with no news was also particularly hard.  I know that God isn't bound by my wishes, but it's hard to see all these milestones come and go with no news.  I don't believe our prayer for a baby will go unanswered, but as we continue to wait (and wait and wait) it's hard not to wonder just what in the world God is doing or what He's waiting for.  I was tempted to just not read Revelation - to just not finish on time, to give God a little more time.  But I knew that was foolish, so I finished on time, with a few tears, and added that to the list of things I've done while waiting for Baby.

Soon we'll send Daniel off to ALC for a while, and Lucas and I will go visit my parents for part of the time he's away.  When we're all back and settled from that, it will really be time to start getting in gear, packing non-essentials, and more seriously looking at our housing options for our move.  It's hard to think that it's coming so quickly, especially not knowing what will happen with the adoption.    While I continue to have to give my worries over to God, He continues to remind me that He is in control, and, if the Bible is any indication, that He's got this.