Lessons

In the last several days and weeks, there have been some issues that have given me loads of some anxiety.  Things are not the way they were "supposed" to be.  There is seeming to be much less "stability" than we anticipated having when Daniel decided to apply for the job he now has.  (Don't YOU go freaking out now, friends.  It all may blow over and we may be fine.  But, even if it doesn't, there's nothing immediate about this seeming instability.)  But I'm not writing this post to talk about that.  I'm writing it to talk about what has come of it.  Despite the seriously trying wait we had waiting for Levi to come home, I somehow seem to have forgotten all the lessons I learned during that time.  You know, the ones that God has a plan, that He WILL work it out in His timing, and that He has ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS provided for us and protected us.

I have let my fears and anxieties get the best of me.  I have let myself believe that a few men who care nothing about our family have our future in their hands.  Yesterday, my emotional turmoil came to a boil.  I felt antsy and weepy all day.  I yelled at the kids.  A lot.  (They WERE making each other cry and scream every few minutes, but I was so. not. patient.)  I was pathetically unable to get anything done.  I let myself play games on my phone or check Facebook way more than I normally do, in between refereeing sessions for the kids.  (I know.  I. KNOW.  So lame.  But it's the truth.)  Finally, after nap time, it was warm enough and sunny enough that the kids and I could go outside.  We were there (full disclosure:  laying on a blanket and the kids were playing with my phone and NOT running around) when Daniel came home.  He joined us and he and I finally got to start talking.  I needed to talk, but I couldn't really handle it at that point, either.  I lost it. Seriously, weeping like a two year old who's had a favorite toy taken away.  Daniel sent me inside to calm down, played with the kids, and offered to get pizza for dinner, so I didn't have to cook.

I had a few minutes to think, and I started thinking and praying about just why things are the way they are.  And I started to feel this whisper in my soul; that still, quiet Holy Spirit whisper.  And it was saying "Do you trust me?"  Of course I do, I thought.  Thoughts of prayers I had prayed years ago started flooding my mind.  I asked the Lord to teach me patience.  And then we had the wait for Levi.  And then I forgot (sort of) about our wait for Levi.  And I wondered if, in fact, I had learned about patience at all.  Endurance, maybe.  But patience?  Do I truly know how to wait for the Lord?  Am I truly content through adversity?  Am I able to say, "It is Well with My Soul?"  Um, no.  The truth is, I have not been able to answer those things affirmatively.  At least not lately.  I don't know why things are happening the way they are, but that doesn't change who God is.  Nor does it change my calling to trust Him and truly be patient as we wait for answers.

Later on in the evening, after dinner, we were all in the family room, playing and watching a little TV before bedtime.  Daniel was on the floor with Lucas, doing some play wrestling.  In our house, this is not a very long or vigorous game because our first born is a little bit...anxious about rough play or adventurous play.  So, Daniel tickles and grabs Lucas and 10 seconds later Lucas is asking for mercy on the verge of tears.  He wants so badly to play with his papa, but I think he feels out of control quickly in those situations.  He doesn't like to be out of control.  (The poor, dear boy comes by it honestly.  Daniel and I each have that issue, even though it manifests itself in different ways.)

At one point, Daniel was on his back on the floor and trying to convince Lucas to stand up on his hands, so Lucas would be a few feet up in the air.  Lucas would crouch, but couldn't bring himself to actually stand all the way up.  "Lucas, do you trust me?  I will take care of you!"  Daniel did his best to convince Lucas.  "Yes, Papa, I trust you," Lucas squeaked, while still crouching.  Daniel continued to prompt him.  "It's okay, Lucas.  It will be fun!  Just stand up.  I will keep you safe.  You can trust me!"  This went on for a few minutes, until Lucas burst out, "NO!  I don't trust you, Papa!"  We both chuckled about this admission of the truth that had been pretty clear from the beginning and helped Lucas down and to a game that was more agreeable to everyone.

But later in the evening, Lucas' words still rang in my heart.  "I don't trust you!"  I needed to confess the same to my Abba.  I have been living like Lucas, crouched in the fetal position, trying to protect myself from the unknown.  Thankfully, I finally realized this and was able to identify it and confess it.  I feel like a different person today.  I'm standing tall on what may appear to be shaky ground, but held firm by a Father who loves me and has never, never failed to protect me.