Thoughts on priorities

DISCLAIMER:  This is a contemplative post and comes to no conclusion.  It's just an outlet for me to express some things that, perhaps, others have dealt with themselves.

As I've been working on getting myself back to school, I've been dealing with several (sometimes conflicting) emotions in regard to my impending return to student status.  I'm excited about the future, nervous about how it will all work out, and battling a small amount of guilt at the thought that I'm about to put my schooling, and, thus myself, at a higher level of importance than it has previously been in our family's timeline.

In some ways, it's been particularly emotionally prickly for me when I see so many of my high school and college classmates so much further along their career paths.  Some of them in, essentially, what would be hiring positions for corporations where I might eventually be qualified to apply for an entry level position.  (Let me time out here for a minute and say that I know I am an intelligent person.  I don't for a minute think that I could never be where they are, but I have to acknowledge that, for this moment, I'm not.)

I see pictures on facebook (ah, facebook - the love-hate relationship I have with that website is a blog post for another day...) of classmates and friends who are doing amazing things and having adventures and have to admit to myself that I feel a certain amount of desire to be able to do those things, to have those adventures, to have that freedom. 

And then I look at my own pictures.  Messy faced smiling babies,  kid-centered outings, and family visits as vacations dominate.  And I have to admit to myself that my pictures make me happy.  They are affirmation that I have, indeed, done what I felt (and feel) called to do. 

When I was in college, I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be a mama.  I didn't really have many other aspirations for myself at that point.  Oh, sure, I wanted to be on Broadway for a split second, but then I realized I'd likely have to tour the country with traveling productions before I ever made it there, and then even if I did make it on Broadway, I'd actually have to live in (or around) New York City.  I love to visit NYC, but it's not the place I'd choose to raise my family (which, as I stated, I knew I wanted), not to mention the winters there are just about as long as they are in Connecticut, where I grew up, and not at all what I would choose for myself. 

So, when Daniel and I were engaged shortly after I turned 20 (the 11th anniversary of our engagement was just a few days ago on August 31- how is that possible?!) and we decided to get married a year later, we knew that he'd have another year left of college to complete the 5 year Music Education program at UCONN.  It didn't bother me at all to leave college at that point.  It felt like a relief, actually.  I knew that it would be hard to get a really good job without a degree, but my plan was just to work to feed and clothe us until Daniel was able to do that.  And then I wanted to be a mama.  Daniel wanted that for our family, too.  And that's how, thanks be to God, it worked out.  God graciously provided enough for me to follow the calling into motherhood full time in 2008 with a part time job I could do from home.  I have had my share of frustrating days, but I have had so many more sweet moments and cherished memories.

In my 10 years of being married to Daniel and, particularly, the most recent five of motherhood, I've really had a lot of freedom and flexibility.  It may not be travel-the-world kind of freedom, but I've had the freedom to be myself, to mature into a woman I am proud to be, and to think and pray about the ways I feel God calling me to continue using my unique abilities and talents. 

Having had that freedom, I now have other aspirations for myself, aside from motherhood.  In no way do I want to leave full time motherhood.  School and work will always be part-time for me while I have children at home, Lord willing. I look at my family and see that the dreams I had as a child and a young adult have, in fact, come true.  The things that I prioritized most were the things I did first and are the things to which I will continue to devote most of my time and energy.   I continue to fight the impulse to compare myself to others, but I know deep down that I wouldn't have made my decisions any differently.