Today

Today is a good day.  I've actually been having a lot of them lately.  I'm amazed to admit this, but I'm really feeling good about life in general these days, despite the fact that from the outside in, my life probably looks a bit crazy.  I get so many comments and looks when I'm out and about with all three kids (or even "just" the two babies) about how I have my "hands full." 

Well, yes, I do.  But I like to think that I have my hands full of blessings.  Granted, there are some not-so-peaceful moments (ha!) when your kids are the ages mine are.  But I'm still so much more contented and happy in my life than I have been for a long time.  (A perfect example of this is that I'm still singing along to the radio and smiling every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from about 8:45 to 9:15 and 11:45 to 12:15 when we're parked in the preschool car line waiting to drop off or pick up Lucas, despite the fact that Caroline is wailing away about being in her car seat and not going anywhere, and Levi is yelling about the toy he dropped or cracking himself up for taking his own sock off again.  Life isn't perfect or easy or quiet, but I'm still happy it's mine.)

Pregnancy was not easy for me, even the first time around.  Once Lucas was born, I had such a hard time transitioning into stay-at-home motherhood.  I think I had a bit of an identity crisis going on, along with getting used to all the things that are a part of staying at home with your child(ren).  I think I also had a bit more postpartum depression than I gave myself credit for, now that I look back on it.  Once I started to feel better and we'd moved to Virginia, we almost immediately began the adoption process to bring home Levi.  That brought a whole new round of anxieties followed by our heart-wrenching two year wait.  And then, even when we brought Levi home, I was still a bundle of anxieties, since we found out about my pregnancy with Caroline the day before we got the call to come pick up Levi...the next day. (I still just shake my head and chuckle at/with God every time I think about how that all went down.)  Knowing that we'd have two new babies and a move halfway across the country all within the span of 2012 was terrifying daunting. And the time I spent pregnant with Caroline, aside from just not feeling well, I was so consumed with worry for how we'd do life.  Sprinkle in with all of that the process it's been for Daniel to finally be "qualified and selected" as an Army Band leader, which has taken the entirety of the above described time period. 

So, now?  Now I have the family I've waited so long to have.  Now my body is feeling strong and healthy and I feel like myself.  Now my husband is looking forward to his career taking the path we'd hoped it would take. Even with the knowledge that he'll be gone from mid July until Thanksgiving for training and that we'll be picking up and moving again by the end of this year, I feel truly settled and content for the first time in...five years?  It's been a journey to finding that kind of peace.  I trusted God all along that it would come someday.  I trusted that He would bring us through all of those harder days to easier ones.  I just never thought I'd be saying my "easier" and "happier" days were the ones in which I was basically home bound because two babies need to eat and sleep a lot.  I never though my "easier" and "happier" days would include a breastfeeding baby. (I hated nursing Lucas. There.  I said it.  I did it, because it was good for him, but I hated it. This time, I'm actually sort of enjoying it!)  I never thought my "easier" and "happier" days would include being the mama of a less-than-one-year-old and a WAY-less-than-one-year-old at the same time.

And there's the rub.  In the past, I'd always looked for another situation or circumstance to make things feel better or be easier.  But the truth is, it's not about circumstances or situations.  It's about acknowledging that we are blessed beyond measure despite hard days or lack of sleep or whatever else.  Salvation alone is blessing beyond what I deserve (if being a parent teaches one anything...), and yet, I'm blessed beyond that with a husband who loves me and is faithful and trustworthy and hardworking, and three healthy children under my roof that I can hug and kiss and love and hold instead of just praying that someday those things would be true.

That's today.