Letters

Dear 2011,

When I wrote you at the beginning of the year, I had no idea what you would bring.  I expressed hope that you'd be bringing me my dear Baby 2, and that you'd be bringing my husband a new job as a band officer.  Instead, you brought us another 12 months of rollercoaster ups and downs waiting for Baby 2 - and as of today, you've brought us a full 18 months of being approved to adopt with no news in sight.  You also did not bring Daniel the band officer job, though you did bring a promotion to E6, which we are really quite happy about.  You also brought plenty of time with our family, including a glorious wedding for my brother, and you've expanded our family in several ways: a new wife for my brother, a new wife for my father-in-law, a new niece and nephew, as well as another nephew only days away from arriving.

Part of me wants to be bitter that you didn't bring everything exactly as I hoped, but what I said in my letter 12 months ago is still true:  I am quite certain, however, that whatever you bring, my future is not in your hands, but in God's.  I remember Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  And I know that if you are filled with joy or sadness, it will all be for God's glory and for my good.

I know that God has been (mostly) glorified by our waiting for the things we'd hoped for.  I know God has been (mostly) glorified by our response to all the "no"s we've heard.  I know that God has used those things to encourage others and bind us closer to family and friends.  And I know that God has used those things to grow us closer and closer to Him, to the point that nearly every breath has a prayer mingled with it.

I have had many personal victories with you, as well - you brought me to the year anniversary of my relationship with running.  You saw me run three more races and finish them all in ways that made me proud of my efforts.  You saw me be consistent with training for those races, as well as losing 19 pounds in the process.  (2012 will have to see me finally hit my goal weight.  Sorry you won't be around for that victory.)

So, 2011, it's been an emotional ride to say the least.  While I'm not sad to see you go, I can't deny the joy, laughter, and blessing you've brought, despite those things not looking the way I'd hoped.  Here's to you, 2011.

With bittersweet fondness,
Melissa


Dearest, precious Baby 2,

Today marks our 18th month waiting and praying and hoping and praying and waiting for you to join our family.  It has been a long time.  Christmas Eve was hard for me this year, because two years ago on Christmas Eve, Rebekah called me to tell me we'd been initially approved by Bethany to go through the process of becoming an approved home-studied adoptive family.  We had no idea that it would take us so long to meet you. 

So many people don't understand why we keep waiting.  They know that it was easy for us to get pregnant with Lucas and wonder why we don't just do that again.  Sometimes, on my very hardest days, I wonder to myself the same thing.  But God reminds me, in a clear, quiet whisper to my heart that you are worth the wait.  My precious child, I want you to know that we keep waiting for you, because when you come to our family, I want to be able to tell you that I was brave and that I was unwavering and that I never lost faith that you would finally, someday, be with us.  I want you to know, when you're finally with our family, that God made you in his image, and just because of that, you are worth this sometimes excruciating rollercoaster ride.  I want you to understand that you are truly wholeheartedly wanted.  And that God saw you as he created you in your birthmother's womb, and He knew that she wouldn't be able to care for you for whatever reason it is, and that you are a perfect fit for our family.  You were never rejected in any way by anyone.  Before the foundations of the world were laid, God knew your life and your heart and He knew YOU and how you would complement us and how we would be able to love you with everything we have to offer.

It's almost 2012, and that will be the third time we've seen the New Year change and wonder if you will be joining our family.  I fervently beg God that it is so this time.   We love you so much, precious one, even though we don't know who or where you are.  I trust in God's protection of you, and I know that He will bring you to us when the time is just right.  I always tell Him that I hope tomorrow is when the time is just right.  But I will keep waiting as many more tomorrows as He requires, because you are worth waiting for, you are worth fighting for, and you are already my child.  And this mama will always fight for her children. 

I love you more than you can know,
Mama