Lessons

We are still WAITING.  Obviously, this is true, since I haven't written about a baby, but I figured I'd just state the obvious.  We're about a week away from 20 full months approved and waiting.  Things are happening in the office and we're still hopeful that we'll get to bring the baby home before we have to move, but we know that nothing is certain.

But.  God has been graciously working on my heart.  I've been reading one of Beth Moore's books (I think it's one that started out as a Bible Study and was turned into a novel-type format) called Believing God.  The whole idea behind the book is that we start our walk with God by believing IN Him, but we'll only live a fruitful, abundant, joyful life if we can believe Him.  She has five points that she asks the reader to join her in "claiming."   They are:

1. God is Who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's Word is living and active in me.

I think, for most Christians, the above aren't too hard to swallow at face value.  But when the rubber meets the road, so to speak, I think all of them are a lot more difficult to truly live out than we'd give them credit for initially.  Our Christian lives, if guided by the above, should truly look radically different than a life lived by someone who doesn't believe those things.

As I've been mulling over all of this and mentally chewing these difficult concepts, my prayers to God have sounded like this: "If those things are all true, You are a loving God who wants to provide children for His loved ones and homes for orphans.  If all of those things are true, You are able to perform a miracle, to move, to breathe, and to bring home our baby TODAY.  If all of those things are true, I am not abandoned, I am not unloved, I am not discarded or ignored.  I am not somehow deficient of something that would make me the "right" person to follow the leading You've given to go the adoption route.  If all of those things are true, I will be able to bond with and love a child not from my womb.  I (we) will be able to provide a home and the instruction and love that this child will need.  I (we) will be able to overcome any obstacles in the process of bringing home the baby, finalizing the adoption, bonding, and living life as a (potentially and probably and, truthfully, hopefully) multi-racial family.  If those things are true, I can count on the continued support of the Holy Spirit to get me through each day.  If those things are true, I will have the words to say to the birthmom when the time comes, words that will allow me to express my love for her without judgment or nerves.  I will be able to speak life into her life and into the lives of my family, before, during and after the adoption process.  And I'm good with all of that.  I'm excited by all of it.  I truly deep-down believe all of it.  But if all of that is true, then, God, why are you still waiting to complete this work?  What purpose does this wait have?"

This side of Heaven, I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to that.  And if it is this side of Heaven that I discover the answer, I highly doubt it will be without hindsight, after the fact.  But even if that's the case, I'm finding God teaching me things and revealing things to me that I hadn't expected. Today, it happened through a situation with Lucas.  While he was watching Sesame Street today, he blatantly and deliberately disobeyed me.  So, I stopped and spanked him.  I also turned off the TV, effectively depriving him of one of his dearest past-times, especially since it was the beginning of the show.  He cried (much) harder over the fact that I refused to allow him to watch his show than he did over the fleeting discomfort of the spanking (which clued me into the fact that I had chosen his punishment wisely).  No, I don't want him to be miserable.  And I don't want to take away things that he loves just for the sake of it.  But I wanted him to remember this morning that he caused his own discomfort by disobeying.  And, I believe he did.  But that's not the end of it!  While I did not have any intention of going back on my plans for him, I didn't stop giving him good things!  In fact, I took him to lunch at Subway (his favorite, if you remember from the previous post) and we went to Wal-Mart to get ingredients to make homemade chicken soup for supper, something we love to do together.  I helped him pick out a little stuffed moose and a matching one for his best buddy, and as we were leaving, I got him a special Valentine's doughnut treat.  I delighted to give him those things, and I delighted to see him enjoy them, despite the fact that he was still technically under my punishment (no more TV until this evening).

Can you see where I'm going with this?  God showed me quite clearly that while I'm so focused on my "why don't we have the baby" question, I might be less than enthusiastic about all the other good things He wants to give me and teach me and show me and experience with me.  I'm not saying it makes me completely content with the waiting.  But it definitely gives me some perspective that life continues with good things, despite the feeling that there is one very, very dear, precious, and cherished thing missing.  And in the same way I kiss and hug and snuggle Lucas directly after a spanking, God continues to whisper these encouragements to me just when I need them.  And that continues to help me believe Him all the more that He will complete this good work that He's begun.  (Phil. 1:6)