Thanks and joy

If I know my Gram, she won't want a big fuss made over herself, but it would be inauthentic for me not to write about how this week has impacted me.  You probably know how much I love and respect my Gram.  She is, aside from my parents, the single most consistent, positive, encouraging presence in my life.  When I was in a labor class preparing to give birth to Lucas for the first time, we were told to bring to mind a place we loved to go, one that made us relaxed, and one about which we could call to mind lots of details.  Many people chose a favorite beach or vacation spot.  I chose Gram's house.  I know all the smells, sights, and feelings by heart.  Gram's house is safe and cozy and happy and literally the only important place in my life that hasn't changed (as in she hasn't moved) as long as I can remember.  And Gram is the reason that place is so special.

So when Gram was admitted to the hospital this week, it was scary.  And then, when the week was rough and we started having to talk about whether or not we would travel for a funeral, it was even more scary and sad.  From afar, it's even scarier.  It was hard to know what to do and how to best serve ALL of the people I so dearly love.  If I didn't have kids, I'd have driven to be with my mom  and aunts and uncles.  But I have kids and they wouldn't do well with a week long babysitter, nor would they do well with a week in a hospital room.  ( I mean.  Can you imagine!? We'd all have been miserable!)  My mom was amazing.  She was scared and sad herself, but she let me talk about what my fears were and helped me decide what was best for us to do.  She encouraged me to send something that she could read to Gram for me, if I wanted.  I ended up sending pictures of the kids to cheer her up, and then a video of Gram playing the piano and my sister and me singing hymns (one of my very favorite things to do with those two people), and then I wrote an email, basically saying what I would have wanted to say if I could never have the chance to say anything again.

Thankfully, she's seemed to turn a corner, and although she is weak, the discussions now are for rehab and not for hospice care, and she is herself as far as speaking and understanding go.  I can't tell you how thankful, grateful, and joyful I am about that. 

I am thankful that I will have a chance to talk to Gram again, and, hopefully, to see her again, too.  But after the fact, I'm also thankful that I was able to communicate clearly with my Gram and tell her what's in my heart.  I know I will have no regrets now no matter what happens.  So, if I start to be even more affectionate than I normally am, or if I tell you how much I love you or how thankful I am for you, that's where it's coming from.  I am a sensitive person and a person who feels deeply.  I usually keep a lot of it to myself, so I don't make others uncomfortable, and I'll still do that to some extent, but it's important to me that people know where I stand, particularly after the events of this week.

So, if you're reading this blog, chances are very good that I love you - sister, friend, parent, cousin, aunt or uncle, (and, yes, Gram, for goodness sake).  I'm thankful for you and appreciate the influence you are in my life.  I hope I can tell you in person soon, too.